CrippledCracker [presents] "SOUP N CCRACKERS"

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Meaning of a Name

When I was younger D' had told me that she knew what she was going to call me because of a dream. I do not know how she came up with my middle name, maybe she dreamed that as well. But my last name has always been different from both D' and my sisters. I had chosen to keep the last name of the man that I thought was my real dad, (I had found my birth certificate.) instead of taking the name of my step. Some of the black kids in my old neighborhood referred to me as a Cracker but I had no idea what a Cracker was.

One night when I was laying in a hospital bed after the surgery, I became the CrippledCracker

When I turned 18 and had graduated from high school and fell out with D', I never went by my birth name. Everyone refer ed to me as CCracker because that is the name that I would introduce myself as. When I had came to Florida and met with my dad and his family, I told them all to call me CCracker. I did

not want to be called by my first name because

D' had given it to me. (Plus, I felt and feel like the person that went by my first name had died in the hospital when the CCracker was born.)

People I worked with referred to me by name but they were the only people that were tolerated to do so.

When I had moved to Florida in late 04 I was staying with my dad and his family until, his wife gave me an impossible deadline to move out. She then hit me with a guilt trip that I could not believe and then I gathered my clothes in disgust. The whole time that I lived in my car I did not hear from anyone. One night after work when I had pulled into the parking lot of my gym and was about to go to sleep, I had looked through the t-tops at the sky. It was at this point that I had decided to change my name. D' had given me my first and middle and I had Bob's last name. I decided that changing my name would help me to eliminate linkage to them and deny them any chance to share in my achievements. (D' knew that I was living in my car because she had gotten my number and was calling me often. It was not hard to see where I stood in Bob's eyes.)

I had always told myself that if I ever had a daughter I would name her Montana Marie. If I had a son, his name would be Dillon Lee. So I decided that I would be known as Dillon Lee Lashton (I just came up with the last name out of the blue.)

My fiance refuses to call me Dillon and told me that she really wants our marriage license to display Brandon (my orig. first name) Because of my love and devotion to her, I am going to keep the first but the middle and last become Lee Lashton.

My name is Brandon Lee Lashton and I am about to start my new life.

Not of the image that the MDA was trying to promote

I began to appear on the JERRY LEWIS LABOR DAY TELETHON every year since the seventh grade when they had sent me to their camp for the first time. I remember how nervous I was at knowing that I would be on television and that I would be seen by many people.

I guess my mom had found out about it on short notice because we did not have time to get something dressy to wear. (I wore my jeans, a long sleeved shirt and my Chicago Bulls hat b I also wore 1 of my CHICAGO, BULLS hats.) But I continued to be on the telethons year after year and began to wear nicer suits each telethon.

My last appearance in 2002 was a lot like my first in many ways. I still got that nervous high in the pit of my stomach when I rolled to the 'red x', which was taped on the floor and was the spot to be before you were to roll in front of the light rigging and the cameras. Those lights, so bright that you almost had to squint when you were looking into the camera and the heat coming off them always had my balls sweating in my dress pants. The main camera would be aimed at you from its poise on the tripod. 'Cue' words would be held up by someone standing behind the camera man so that the man doing the interviews could make sure that every note was addressed.

Every year it would take me a few minutes to warm up to the camera before I would

under-go that weird transformation of being totally comfortable and secure with those in the audience and those watching at home.

D' had lost her faith in the assistance that the Muscular Dystrophy Association was able to offer, so there were a few years that went by in which we did not participate in the telethon. By this point I had already met the age restrictions of the camp so I, personally had no contact with the MDA at this point either. One day I was going through and old journal and had found some numbers and when I had called them, I was invited to appear on the telethon that year.

It was in 2003 and at that time I had many facial piercings. I kept the piercings in and

wore my best suit after it w as ironed. It was

a long show that started late at night and we

arrived there early in the morning.

As with this and many other taped events, there

was a 'green-room' that contained tables of

free food and drinks for those working on the

show.

A few of my friends had gone with me and

we were sitting in the green room when I was

approached by Don Brown.

He had been the main, host of the Dayton section of the Jerry Lewis Telethon (Don Brown had been doing it for years.)

Jerry Lewis would broadcast to every one from a live feed coming from where they were in Las Vegas and when they went on break, individual areas would transmit locally. (Don Brown covered Dayton and surrounding areas.)

Anyway.......

Don Brown approaches the table that my friends and I were sitting and said his hello's being real polite. He had asked me to join him in the hallway for a minute so that he could talk to me.

I could tell from his body language that something was on his mind.

It was so long ago so I cannot remember his exact words but the bases of what he said to me was, that I did not represent the image that the MDA was trying to promote. Being more mature now I am able to see his point on one level. But even though I had piercings in my face did not mean that I was not dressed appropriately enough for the show. I was in a 300.00 dollar suit and I did not have a rude or even aggressive demeanour. "Not the image", Don you smack-head, I have a form of Ataxia which qualifies under Muscular Dystrophy. And........... it was a telethon to help those like me who have many forms of MD. I am sorry that I am not the cute baby faced victim, that did all those promos for you years back. I grew up and piercings were my style and did not have a bearing on my attitude.

After you had "bashed" my image, you just walked away and ignored me until and after our on-camera interview. (which was short and you cut me off) You lost my respect that day and allowed me to see what our 7 year friendship was based around, PITY. But Don as I age I can not help but wonder if you were here in front of me now, who would PITY who.

I wish nothing but the best for your family.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I think your son is my dad

#85 - I THINK YOUR SON IS MY DAD

My hands were shaking as I opened the door to my bathroom and rolled inside. I had the phone and the number in my lap as I turned and closed the door behind me. I did not want my friends who were sitting in the living room to hear me as I made the call.

Earlier that day Delores and I had gotten into a fight and I had told her that I never wanted to speak with her again.

She called me and told me that she had stumbled across a phone number that used to belong to Rob, (my dad's) mother. Delores had asked me if I wanted to try the number and I remember both how my heart was beating and my hands was shaking while I was trying to write the number down. Delores had told me to call her back if i had wanted the number. I only had to think about that for a moment before I had called her, I had been wondering about my dad constantly and would plan out how are first meeting would go while I had been lifting weights. She had wanted me to let her know if the number had been accurate, I had not been worried about that as I had hoped that the number would be good. (I had already decided that I was not going to call her back if it was the right number, I did not want to start any he said, she said, crap between the two of them.) I had entered the numbers into my cellphone as Delores had read them off.

I remember how I had held my breath as I hit send and how I had felt so dizzy while trying to figure out what I was going to say.

One ring........Two rings ........I still did not know what I was going to say. Three rings.......I was not going to leave a message, but damn! Some one pick up I was so excited and nervous. Was it a wrong number? An older woman's voice picked up on the fourth ring and said hello. When I heard her voice it seemed to catch me by surprise because I was not expecting anyone to answer and I still had no idea of what I was going to say. I can not write word for word what was said but it was a phone call that I will never forget. I asked her if her last name was ******, (I use the asterisks in place of her last name only because I do not want anything that I may accomplish associated with that family.) [see blog](The Meaning of a Name} When she told me that it was, my heart began to race with an excited nervousness. She waited

patiently for me to ask her my next question. I asked her if she had a son named Rob, and held my breath for the brief second that it took her to say that she did. I then asked her what his

middle name was and then I told her that I was Delores's son.

I was caught off guard when she asked me if my name was Brandon and she

told me that they were just talking about me, I was not expecting her to say that. I guess I

expected neither her or her son to know of my existence. [see blog] Getting to know a dad (I was 22 and until then I had not had

any contact or seen any pictures of them, any of them.) [see blog]

First finding out that I had a...dad.

She asked me if she could tell Rob that I had called her later when he got off work. I told her not to tell him because I wanted to call back when I was ready. (I wanted to take this slow and be the one in control because this was a very intimidating situation.) I told her that I would call back in a few days if she didn't mind. I came out of the bathroom and went back into the living room and began to play PLAYSTATION with my friends whe

n my cellphone rang, It was Rob and he sounded both excited and nervous. He asked me if I had any kids and what I did for work. He asked me a few more questions and then he asked me if I had any questions for him. I had many but I did not know what to ask so I told him how nervous I was, He admitted that he was also nervous and had to get back to work but we agreed to talk again soon.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Road Trip

Picture this... It was Friday night, 2 white guys and 1 black, driving a large moving truck slowly down the alleys in a bad part of the city.

There were many pairs of visible eyes that were watching the truck as it slowly propelled down the dimly lit alley. I was sitting in the middle and my best friend was driving and my other friend was looking around for the signal. He had made a phone call and we were on the look out for a blinking back porch light.

We were looking for the house so that we could get a few things that would make the trip more interesting. My friend had called some people and had told them that we were coming but, he had forgotten to mention to them what kind of vehicle that we would be driving.

When we seen the blinking light and pulled into the yard a guy came from the side of the house and stood by the backdoor. We could clearly see that he had a pistol in his hand. He looked at us for a second and then bumped the butt of the pistol against the door a few times. My black friend slowly got out of the truck and went over to the guy on the back porch. We sat in nervous silence as we watched him enter the house while the guy with the gun continued to eyeball the truck. My friend came out of the house about 20 mins later and then we got on interstate 75 and began to heads towards Florida.

The truck was not equipped with the controls that I needed to drive with so, my 2 friends took turns in driving. I sat in the middle so I controlled the radio for the trip; a little rock, rap and country. I was also the guy that had to buy all the gas and rented the truck,( sucked on gas mileage). I maxed out my credit cards buying the gas and most of the food for the trip.

My two friends did not talk or hangout with each other because of skin color. So hearing their conversation, mixed with a little smoking, made for a very interesting time. We passed the time by flagging down the people driving next to us on the highway and then pointed to their back tire as if they had a flat. Childish?, probably, but it was fun knowing that they had pulled over for nothing. When we were going through Atlanta my best friend was driving and reminded me that I had signed a rental contract that would allow me to drive the vehicle about 20 miles and remain in the Dayton area. The truck would have no less than a thousand miles on the odometer upon return. It did not help matters that the company wanted the truck returned to their lot back in Ohio. But my friends were going to return the truck before they went home.

I was so excited and nervous at the same time and we arrived in Florida Saturday evening. I said my goodbyes to my two friends knowing that I would probably never see either of them again. We all stayed in contact by phone for awhile before we all lost contact. The truck rental company called me the next day and were upset because I had my friends lock the keys in the truck when they returned it and the renters had to hire a locksmith to get the truck unlocked. I could not believe that the company did not have an extra set of keys for the truck. I explained to the man what had happened and that it was not a planned trip. I had to pay the bill for the locksmith to open the door but to this day I have not been able to pay the bill for the penalty fee that they

charged me for each additional mile.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Discovering Your Own Lifespan

PAPER I HAD WRITTEN FOR A COLLEGE COURSE THAT I WAS TAKING, HUMAN DEVELOPMENT.

Discovering Your Own Lifespan

I have made many choices that have impacted my life in a major way and one of the most recent was my move to Florida. I moved here in 05 and was fortunate enough to experience my first four hurricanes I had moved here from Ohio where I had lived all my life. I am from the Dayton area, born and raised. I came to Florida to visit and meet my father for the first time in my life. He asked me if I would move down to Florida so that we could get to know each other. He gave me permission to live at his place until I got my own. It was an exciting time for me as it felt like I was going to start my life over. I was currently living around a rough environment that was full of drugs. I had dropped out of college and at that time didn't have a car or job. My life was not going anywhere at the time, so making the decision for a new start was not a hard choice for me to make. After I had moved here, I did not know how to adjust with family life. He and his wife were constantly arguing and I always felt as if I were the cause of their arguments. His wife kept dropping hints that she wanted me to leave and one day she gave me a deadline. She knew that I was not making enough money to get my own place but fine, whatever. One day she had called me out back and reminded me of my deadline, then she told me that her daughter's therapist had agreed that my living there was contributing to her daughter's bad grades in school. Um, ok! I threw my clothes in my car and drove away.

I remember how hot the first two summers were and how I thought that I would never get used to the heat. I had to take two showers a day because I was sweating so bad and did not want to stink. Then I experienced driving thru my first rainfall here in Florida. The rain falls straight down here. It is so humid in this state with no cooling breeze unless it is about to storm or it is winter time. I have noticed a big difference in the change in the climate here compared to Ohio. When I had first visited here in October, I remembered chuckling to myself at the sight of seeing people in Florida walking around wearing sweaters and coats. Now that I have been here for a few years, I find myself having to turn on the heater every time that the temperature drops below 65. The humidity of the climate here in Florida does not allow my arthritis to mess with me as much. My body does not ache as bad as it did when I lived in the Ohio climate however, sometimes I have asthma attacks and it becomes harder to breathe.

I have made a few friends since coming to Florida and I would say that my social life has changed but, it is hard to say whether it has changed for the better or for the worst. I am changing my ways and I can tell that I am growing up but part of me feels as if I do not belong in these surroundings. I look around and do not see any older cars or beat up houses and the occassional pile of debri, to show that the area is real and that it is lived in.

My life has had many twist and turns and I know that it is not going to straighten out anytime soon but, I have proven to myself that I am a survivor. I know that many changes are taking place n the world today, I am just hoping that no one that I care about has to come to the lonely, dark place where I have been stuck for so long. But hey, I am done crying about it and now I am just trying to make it better.

Sunday, May 31, 2009