PUSHING HER AWAY

#66 - PUSHING HER AWAY

I had been a very sheltered guy growing up and had missed out on alot of normal teenage activity and when I had moved into the dorm at the university I had discovered that I had been allowed to drink alcohol  if I had been clever enough to keep it from the floor monitor.  I had lived in the dorm and  it had been co-ed meaning that the guys were on one floor and the girls were on the floor above, that had been weird for me because both  the guys and the girls had been allowed  to not only be on each other's floor as well as being in each others room.  I HAD BEEN AN ADULT BY THIS TIME BUT IT HAD TAKEN ME A LITTLE TIME TO  ADJUST  TO NOT HAVING ALL THE RESTRICTIONS I HAD LIVING AT DOLORE'S. I had let drinking get the best of me as I had began doing it more and more,  I had liked the  way it had both made me feel as well as the good times that I had drinking with the other guys that had lived on the same floor in my dorm.  I had not drank that much during wheelchair basketball as I  had to train often and I  discovered that physical fitness and drinking had not gone that well together, I remember drinking  1 beer and than going to the gym and had thought  that I was going to puke.  I had met this girl  that had lived on the floor above mine and I had always felt weird around her and I began to desire her so much but, I had never told her how I had felt as I had known what crushes had felt like and this had not been one.  I had still been a virgin and had not wanted to have my first time with just anyone and I remember how I had hoped that she would be my first but, I had never said anything and think about her at least once in a while as being the one  that I had let get away.  IT HAD BEEN MY OWN FAULT AND I THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN EVER I THINK ABOUT HER, IT IS TRUE WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING CAN BE BAD.   I LET ALCOHOL COST ME SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WHAT I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR BUT I HAD CONTINUED DRINKING LIKE  A FISH UNTIL I HAD BEEN 21.  WHEN I HAD BEEN  OLD ENOUGH TO GO AND BUY IT MYSELF  I HAD DISCOVERED THAT IT HAD NOT BEEN THAT MUCH FUN ANYMORE  SO, I HAD REALLY CALMED MY DRINKING DOWN AND BECAUSE OF ALL THE MEDICINE THAT I AM NOW ON I BARELY DRINK AT ALL.    Two events comes to mind when I think about pushing her away ;  The first on my ninetieth birthday as I had the idea to put vodka in a Aqua Fina water bottle.  WHY IN THE HELL DID I DO THIS?  Because I wanted to Know that I could drink during class and not get caught, the explanation for doing this had not been that well thought out.  MY 19TH BIRTHDAY HAD BECAME NOTHING SPECIAL AT ALL AS IT HAD BEEN THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAD NOT RECEIVED ANY PRESENTS OR GOTTEN A CAKE.  It had been a big change for me that had taken the whole day to get used to.  we had a few classes together and she had been watching me often I guess, I had caught her looking at me and she had made a disapproving expression at me.  I do not know to this day if I had been making a bitter face when I had taken a swig of my water but she had not looked at me at all during the rest of are classes that day.  THE WEIRD THING ABOUT IT HAD BEEN THAT WE HAD NEVER TALKED BEFORE DURING THIS TIME BUT ITS STILL MADE ME FEEL BAD THAT SHE HAD GIVING ME THAT LOOK. Over at a friend of mines  apartment where we had watched HAPPY GILMORE and gotten shit-faced.  Tonya and one of her friend's had came to the party and she had giving me another disappointing look. I had realized that I had been blowing my chance to go and talk to her but the tequila and Schlesinger shots had been coming up.  I had excused myself from the party with the excuse of needing to get  some air.  I had left the apartment and had tripped on my own feet and fell  on my face in the hall way.  thank goodness that there had been carpet and the person that helped me up had been laughing his ass off.  The apartment building had required all those that had entered into the building be buzzed in.  I had heard the door open when I had rolled  outside the door to puke so I had to literately choke it up and pretend that I had been looking at the stars.  she had asked me if I had been OK and I told her that I would be right in.  THE SCENE HAD BEEN REALLY ROMANTIC WITH THE TO OF US HOLDING EACH OTHER LOOKING AT THE STARS BUT ALL I HAD BEEN HOLDING WAS THE VOMIT THAT HAD BEGIN TRYING TO ESCAPE UP IN TO MY MOUTH .  I had told her that I would be right in and I heard her buzz the party to tell them to let her in the building and then the door had closed in which case I had leaned my head to my left side and puked.  Ole Brandon I heard her voice say before I had puked again.    HER FRIEND HAD ENDED UP DRIVING ME BACK TO THE DORM AND IN THE CAR I HAD NOT EVEN BEEN ABLE TO SIT UP RIGHT IN THE SEAT SO, I HAD SPENT THE FIVE MINUTE RIDE WITH MY FACE BURIED IN HER LAP.  I HAD WOKEN UP IN MY DORM ROOM BUT I HAD BEEN TOTALLY NAKED LAYING THERE IN MY BED. 

        

 .

NO FEELING

#65 - NO FEELING

I had been at the Nutter Center one night for basketball practice and I had always  been stuck guarding the big man.   I was not a very good player as I always had problems getting the ball to even come close to touching the back board which had been embarrassing on more than one level .  The way that the gym had been set up aloud view of  the girls on the track team running laps on the plat form that had been built all the way around the gymnasium . There had been something very distracting about seeing those young muscular legs with beads of sweat running down them.   Let me tell you that it is hard to guard against  a man that out weighed   you by at least a 100 pounds and all you can think about  are the blondes running around above you in those tight little shorts .  I had been working out a lot on my upper body and had figured that I would score  a basket during a scrimmage  game between the other members of my team, I had used to shoot a
lot of hoops but that was when I had  my leg strength  to help me arch that ball up to the hoop.  I had made it around the guy that had been  blocking me and I had called for the pass in which I had dribbled the ball twice and shot the ball up so hard that my ass had left  the wheel chair seat, since the rules had been no wheelie bars to prevent the chairs from flipping over I had tipped and hit the hardwood floor hard with the back of my head.  It had hurt so badly and I had not been able to hear the voice of  my coach as he had been  looking down at me, a beautiful girl who had been  practicing volleyball on the court next to ours had even been looking down at me.   LOOKING BACK  I CAN SAY THAT IT HAD BEEN ONE OF THE MOST FRIGHTENING FEW MOMENTS OF MY LIFE AS I HAD NOT BEEN ABLE TO FEEL MY FINGERS OR TOES, I HAD THOUGHT THAT IT HAD ALL BEEN OVER AS I HAD GONE AND  BROKE  MY NECK AND WOULD  BE  A VEGETABLE UNTIL THE END.  I had been able to move in what had seemed like forever since I  last  had been able to and I had been helped up only to go over to the garbage can and puke my guts out.  After that had happened I had no longer tried  to score points and had just stuck with  assist.