#78  -

FIRST TIME THAT I GOT HIGH

Dolores had accused me of smoking weed when I had still lived in her house.  Then she had accused me of smoking when i had moved on campus but I had only drank beer, smoked cigarettes and always turned it down.  I had always turned down weed whenever I had it offered to me because I had enough shit wrong with me already.   I had no idea how the weed would have  affected me and  I had no interest in finding  out.   I had began to work with Allie as she had came to the university  and would take me to run my errands and to the grocery store.   I had already been on academic probation and had known that the dormitory had to be vacated during the upcoming summer so that the college had been able to make repairs, I had no idea where I would end up.  I had called a friend and then Delores's ex-boyfriend that  had told me to call his sister and when I had talk to her husband.  They had known that I would never go back to Delores's house and he had told me that I could stay if I had not messed with his sixteen year old step-daughter.  SHE HAD MADE IT VERY HARD AND IT WAS ALSO HARD TO KEEP MY HANDS OFF OF HER!  I had managed to follow his wishes, and i had stayed at their  house for a few months until Allie had told me that she had a opening in one of her apartments.  During that  time I had stayed with the family and Allie had continued to take me on my errands,  I would ride around with her while she was working with other clients.  ONE DAY WE HAD STOPPED AT A PARK, AND SHE HAD TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD WANTED ME TO TRY SOMETHING WITH HER, I HAD BEEN QUICK TO SAY OK BUT IT HAD NOT BEEN WHAT I HAD THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.  I had never minded when she had smoked around me as she had always made sure that it had been ok, she had pulled out a little wooden box that I had seen her in before.  She had loaded up a little pipe and had told me that she had not wanted me to do what we were about to do with anyone else.  She had loaded up a one hitter, and she had told me to inhale and assured me that If I  did not like the way that it made me feel then it would be no big deal to tell her.  I had been a little uneasy  but I  had trusted Allie not to give me anything that would be hard on me.  I HAD TAKEN A HIT AND HAD FELT NOTHING, AND HAD TOLD HER SO THEN I WAS ABLE TO HEAR A SQUIRREL CHEWING ON A ACORN IN A TREE NEAR  BY...  THE FEELING HAD BEEN AWESOME  AS I HAD NOT KNOWN ANYTHING COULD MAKE ME FEEL THAT GOOD AND I HAD LIKED THE WAY IT HAD SLOWED MY MIND DOWN BUT,  SHOWN THAT I COULD BE AT PEACE BUT THE FEELING HAD NOT LASTED LONG.


  

ROB"S BOMB SHELL

 #??  -ROB"S BOMB SHELL

I had not seen or even spoken to Rob in a few months so I decided to give him a call.  Every time I had  called his house he was never there so I was constantly leaving messages on his answering machine. One day when I had called his wife had answered the phone and I asked her to please have him call me when he came home.  That night came and went with no calls and that pissed me off! A few days went by and then I called his house again and got the answering machine.

When you no longer have a job and no car to go anywhere you have a lot of time to think about things and replay the events of better days and what you would and should have done.  I know I had thought back to a few days earlier when I had a kick-ass car and a job.

The Camero, I would not have  had the steering wheel adapter fall off  if I would just have taken it in to the shop for the annual routine inspection. Why didn't I take it in, WHY? I could feel it coming loose. I should have taken it in. I had not had the time as they were only open during the week  and I always had appointments and physical therapy at my gym. The shop had been in the down town area and the traffic had always been a mess,the other shop had been way over in Ocala. I had  felt confident when driving that car especially when I had just washed it and the rims were shined up and the  T-tops were out...Man, was I loving life!

The job and speaking of job In reality it was a dead-end. I was not going to advance, shit I could never  even hope to get full time. The company  (which I can't name here cause it could harm the chances of doing business with by selling my books through.) Had been  and is to fucking cheap in awarding full time to associates. The main manager had finally made it clear to me that I was never going to be a department manager cause I could not reach the top shelf and the requirements (that I was informed were not going to be bent) for a department manager are to be able to do all the work that is expected of the workers in your department. The job had the promise of taking me no where.

I can buy another Camero  later on down the road  but that Camero was special.  Rob went with me to find it and he had seen the car first and had pointed it out to me.  I had seen the car and though that it was way nicer than anything that I would ever be able to afford. He put down the down payment for me and said that he would cover my car insurance for me until I found a job. The gesture of helping me get the car meant a lot  but this had been  about more than an awesome car. The reason why I did not have my drivers license was because I did not have the hand controls that I needed to operate a motor   vehicle and getting a hold of those hand controls is not easy.  I had to go and get a physical and obtain a doctor's note and then I had to present that note to an authorized dealer of the hand controls. The controls (only two) ran me almost a thousand dollars after installation.  Once the controls were installed I had to meet the requirements of operating those controls, which was not to hard. I just had to have so many hours using that equipment before I was allowed to attempt to get my license.  For this, Rob rode with me.  I remember that on one occasion when I was driving I had noticed something, something that had been real. My dad was teaching me to drive on those  Florida roads  but   my Dad was teaching me, his son (Debatable, but read on) how to drive.  Sure I was almost 23yrs old but what if I was 16 again and he was there teaching his son how to drive.  The feeling was brief but I will remember it forever.  That is what I miss most about the Camero that I no longer had  and I feel like the wrecked had ruined the bond between him and I.

I had left a message on his answering machine telling him that I was not going to do all the work at trying to get to know him and that he had to call me as well if we had any hopes of getting to know each other as father and son.  I  had  then asked him to give me a call.  Of course, days went by with no phone call and   then 4 days later he called me up and told me that he wanted to talk to me about something and  he was going to come by and check out my new place.  We both had agreed that he would come over in a few days.

It had been  August 8, 2007 and  Rob pulled up in a brand new mustang and got out holding a case of beer under his arm.  I was on my deck and I waved him up the ramp, noticing that he had a smile on his face.  He entered my trailer and leaned down to give me a one armed hug and then turned to place the case of beer that he was holding in the other arm  in the fridge,   he had given  me one of the beers and kept 1 for himself and then sat down on my couch.  ( Which I slept on cause I did not yet have a bed. )
He told me that it was good to see me and that he needed to talk to me about something important,  he began by telling me that he did get my messages but he was busy with other things that were going on in his life.  Not only was he putting up with problems at work  but, he was also worried about his marriage not working out and dealing with a worry that he had about me.  He told me that he did not plan on talking to me about this but his wife had told him that this was something that I had needed to know about.......

He began by telling me that my father had gotten out of prison earlier that day and  he paused for a moment and I am glad he did cause it took me a moment to analyze what I was not sure that I had just heard him say. He continued by telling me that when he had seen me at the airport for the first time  he had thought that I looked just like his best friend that he had when he was stationed on the same base with Delores.  He told me that he did not think that I was his son,  at that  point I had  not even been looking at him.   I began taking larger and larger drinks from the bottle until it had been  empty and  Rob stood up and went and got me another beer  then sat back down to tell me what had happened.

They had gotten  married and then were constantly fighting and one night when  Rob stormed out, Delores called his best friend and fucked him to hurt  Rob.  Then  he  had told me that right after that  had happened  she had been  pregnant.   He had told me that he doubted that I was his son  long before I was born and they had found out something  had been wrong with me   plus he said that was why he did not pay any child support until the courts made him. (His wife and her daughter and son both knew of  Rob's doubts. This made sense to me cause on a few occasions when his wife had gotten mad at me  the woman pointed out that she wanted to say something but Rob would not let her.)

 He stood up and told me that he was going to go out on my front deck to smoke a cigarette  and I had went out on the deck with him to finish our conversation and  he asked me if I would mind going for a blood test so that we could see if he was my dad.   I told him that I wanted to find out and that I would do it and  then I remember asking him what he wanted the results to be and he looked at me and told me that he would be my friend.   I swallowed the last of my unknown tears at that moment.  My parents , well the people that fucked and had me were  both out of the loop as I was officially fighting this battle on my own.

He told me that he was going to head out but he was going to leave the beer with me cause he knew that I had a lot to think about before he had shaken  my hand and told me that he would give me a call and then he went and got in the mustang and left.

I went in and called Delores  because I had a lot to ask her about , I asked her if she knew who (his name)  had been.    She asked me how I knew about him and I told her that  Rob had told me about the ordeal and She had said that  Rob knew that he was my father and then she told me her side of the story...

 Rob and her were always arguing and one day he was mad and did something that a husband should never do to his wife  ( she would not tell me what he had done.) She had told me that what he had done was horrible and so she slept with his best friend because she wanted to hurt him.

I had asked her if  Rob was my father and she told me that she thought so. (After all that he had done for me and how he helped me since I had moved to Florida in late 2004, I owe him a big thank you if he is not my father. But if he is, I would rather never talk to him again after the way he had deserted me.)    The bottom line was that Delores was a States away  and she had hurt me again.

   She tried to lie to me by telling me that she had mentioned the other guy to me before, even tho she hadn't but she had not been done yet as she  went as far as putting my little sister on the phone to back her up. They both tried lying to me.   LYING BITCHES!!!!!!!!!

   Of course  Rob did not call and even to this day, no blood test.  I know where the other guy lives but I do not plan on ever contacting him.

SHAVING MY CAT

                                                    70- SHAVING MY CAT

I had not lived in the apartment for very long when Alley had decided that she was going to let me have a cat that one of her client's was trying to get rid of.  The apartment was an efficiency meaning that the kitchen sink, fridge and stove had been in the same room as the couch. I had a small bathroom and a medium sized bedroom.  My apartment was one of three that was in the basement of an old church and I did not have air conditioning. The cat had long black fur and it had gotten to the point where every dish that I had pulled out of the cupboard had black cat hair on it.EDITING  I had not yet met the tenants but knew that a young woman was in one apartment and a young and mentally slow couple lived in the other apartment. When I would get my keys out to unlock my door, I would here a door open to one of the apartments and then it would quickly slam shut. ( This happened often and at times it was kinda creepy.) One day I was chillen with a friend and I had gotten a plate out of the covered and noticed that it had a big cat hair on it. I had been hit with a bright idea and when I ran the idea by my friend he agreed. (He had never shaved a cat before either and we both though that it would be a fun experience.) I did not have any hair clippers, so I went over to the couple's apartment and knocked on the door. I knew that they might have a pair because the guy always wore his hair with a buzz cut style. They did have a pair but they had been reluctant to loan the clippers to me when I had told them that I wanted to shave all the black hair on my pussy. I told them not to worry cause she was not going to complain it was hot in my apartment. At that point the guy had wanted to come over and watch but his girl was not going to let him. I had apologized and told them that I was only joking and that I was going to use the clipper to shave my cat. The cat hair was not only an inconvenience for me, it was hot in my apartment so it had to be miserable for the cat. She was scared by the noise of the clipper at first but soon fell asleep in my friend's arms while I shaved her. I did not touch her whiskers cause I did not want to harm her balance. I did not shave her bald either, but I did shave a lot of her hair off and I gave her a mo hawk. I did not shave to much of her belly either cause I was afraid of cutting one of her teats and hurting her. There had been a hard knock on the door and I told them to come on in ,I did not know who it was till I heard the neighbor speak through my still closed front door. This had happened when I was 19 going on 20 so, as I recollect I can't honestly remember word for word. His tone had been demanding in wanting to know if I had been hurting the cat.  First off,   I don't know you and you don't have a badge or authority and you approach me with a demanding tone ? I respond to that with wanting to know who the hell are you, you know? I hollered out in a panic tone something like I could not stop the bleeding!  The cat had been  not moving. I heard his shoes patter against the hallway floor as he quickly went back to his apartment and slammed the door.

During that time  I was young and I was also upset, but that is not an excuse. The couple had  not been noticeably slow in the head but when I went over to borrow the clipper's I got the impression that they both were a little younger than I, even though they both physically looked older. (they were older)

Not even 10  minutes later   there had been  another knock on the door. I had thought that it was one or both of the neighbors again and they were back to check on the cat. I don't remember what I had yelled out but I know me, it was a smart assed comment that was probably about killing the cat.

I remember that the knock was repeated and the knock was followed by a gruff voice that told me that it had been  the  Police. I remember looking wide-eyed at my friend who had returned the same or very similar look. He tossed the cat (not really) and quickly hid the beers behind the couch.   I had rolled to the door and answered it.  

Ansonia, Ohio had been  a small town with 2 cop cars and 2 cops and 1 Police Chief  and the occasional Trooper or Sheriff that was passing through would answer the call. Fortunately for me one of the town cops answered the call. (The State Troopers were the worst but I will tell you about my experience with them later.)

The first words that came out of his mouth were in the form of a command. He had demanded that I get the cat and show it to him. He stayed standing in the hall and I could see that the couple had their front door open a crack. Hope it was nice and entertaining for them.

My friend handed me the cat and I held it while the officer quickly looked the cat over. Then he had pulled out a clipboard that must have been under his arm, He had told me that the way the cat looked was not what he expected to see when he had gotten there as the cat was purring and was not in a panic . (When he had first gotten what ever call they announced over the police band, he had probably thought that we were Satan worshippers or something and maybe we were drinking the cats blood. When he had knocked  on the door    maybe he thought that I would answer the door without a shirt on and have weird symbols drawn on my chest with cat blood.  The cat would be laying limply in my arms and her head would be swinging loosely in response to every movement that I made with my upper body. We would have a circle drawn out on the floor and there would be lit candles all around the room.  Of course I would be speaking to him in tongues and HANSON would be blaring on the stereo, mmm bop  fucking neighbors. )

He told me that he had to write me a warning and it would be considered  Animal  Cruelty if they had been  called out to respond to anything like that  again and I would be charged, have a fine and may lose the animal. He had suggested that I take the animal to the vet the next time that I wanted to get her fur trimmed.

The warning has  since then  expired an has been taken off my record. I have 1 cat now but when I find a hair on a plate or something, I get the urge.........  But my cat shaving days are over.      

CrippledCracker [presents] "SOUP N CCRACKERS": C#54 - MY BATHROOM ADVENTURE

CrippledCracker [presents] "SOUP N CCRACKERS": C#54 - MY BATHROOM ADVENTURE

PUSHING HER AWAY

#66 - PUSHING HER AWAY

I had been a very sheltered guy growing up and had missed out on alot of normal teenage activity and when I had moved into the dorm at the university I had discovered that I had been allowed to drink alcohol  if I had been clever enough to keep it from the floor monitor.  I had lived in the dorm and  it had been co-ed meaning that the guys were on one floor and the girls were on the floor above, that had been weird for me because both  the guys and the girls had been allowed  to not only be on each other's floor as well as being in each others room.  I HAD BEEN AN ADULT BY THIS TIME BUT IT HAD TAKEN ME A LITTLE TIME TO  ADJUST  TO NOT HAVING ALL THE RESTRICTIONS I HAD LIVING AT DOLORE'S. I had let drinking get the best of me as I had began doing it more and more,  I had liked the  way it had both made me feel as well as the good times that I had drinking with the other guys that had lived on the same floor in my dorm.  I had not drank that much during wheelchair basketball as I  had to train often and I  discovered that physical fitness and drinking had not gone that well together, I remember drinking  1 beer and than going to the gym and had thought  that I was going to puke.  I had met this girl  that had lived on the floor above mine and I had always felt weird around her and I began to desire her so much but, I had never told her how I had felt as I had known what crushes had felt like and this had not been one.  I had still been a virgin and had not wanted to have my first time with just anyone and I remember how I had hoped that she would be my first but, I had never said anything and think about her at least once in a while as being the one  that I had let get away.  IT HAD BEEN MY OWN FAULT AND I THINK ABOUT THAT WHEN EVER I THINK ABOUT HER, IT IS TRUE WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING CAN BE BAD.   I LET ALCOHOL COST ME SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN WHAT I HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR BUT I HAD CONTINUED DRINKING LIKE  A FISH UNTIL I HAD BEEN 21.  WHEN I HAD BEEN  OLD ENOUGH TO GO AND BUY IT MYSELF  I HAD DISCOVERED THAT IT HAD NOT BEEN THAT MUCH FUN ANYMORE  SO, I HAD REALLY CALMED MY DRINKING DOWN AND BECAUSE OF ALL THE MEDICINE THAT I AM NOW ON I BARELY DRINK AT ALL.    Two events comes to mind when I think about pushing her away ;  The first on my ninetieth birthday as I had the idea to put vodka in a Aqua Fina water bottle.  WHY IN THE HELL DID I DO THIS?  Because I wanted to Know that I could drink during class and not get caught, the explanation for doing this had not been that well thought out.  MY 19TH BIRTHDAY HAD BECAME NOTHING SPECIAL AT ALL AS IT HAD BEEN THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAD NOT RECEIVED ANY PRESENTS OR GOTTEN A CAKE.  It had been a big change for me that had taken the whole day to get used to.  we had a few classes together and she had been watching me often I guess, I had caught her looking at me and she had made a disapproving expression at me.  I do not know to this day if I had been making a bitter face when I had taken a swig of my water but she had not looked at me at all during the rest of are classes that day.  THE WEIRD THING ABOUT IT HAD BEEN THAT WE HAD NEVER TALKED BEFORE DURING THIS TIME BUT ITS STILL MADE ME FEEL BAD THAT SHE HAD GIVING ME THAT LOOK. Over at a friend of mines  apartment where we had watched HAPPY GILMORE and gotten shit-faced.  Tonya and one of her friend's had came to the party and she had giving me another disappointing look. I had realized that I had been blowing my chance to go and talk to her but the tequila and Schlesinger shots had been coming up.  I had excused myself from the party with the excuse of needing to get  some air.  I had left the apartment and had tripped on my own feet and fell  on my face in the hall way.  thank goodness that there had been carpet and the person that helped me up had been laughing his ass off.  The apartment building had required all those that had entered into the building be buzzed in.  I had heard the door open when I had rolled  outside the door to puke so I had to literately choke it up and pretend that I had been looking at the stars.  she had asked me if I had been OK and I told her that I would be right in.  THE SCENE HAD BEEN REALLY ROMANTIC WITH THE TO OF US HOLDING EACH OTHER LOOKING AT THE STARS BUT ALL I HAD BEEN HOLDING WAS THE VOMIT THAT HAD BEGIN TRYING TO ESCAPE UP IN TO MY MOUTH .  I had told her that I would be right in and I heard her buzz the party to tell them to let her in the building and then the door had closed in which case I had leaned my head to my left side and puked.  Ole Brandon I heard her voice say before I had puked again.    HER FRIEND HAD ENDED UP DRIVING ME BACK TO THE DORM AND IN THE CAR I HAD NOT EVEN BEEN ABLE TO SIT UP RIGHT IN THE SEAT SO, I HAD SPENT THE FIVE MINUTE RIDE WITH MY FACE BURIED IN HER LAP.  I HAD WOKEN UP IN MY DORM ROOM BUT I HAD BEEN TOTALLY NAKED LAYING THERE IN MY BED. 

        

 .

NO FEELING

#65 - NO FEELING

I had been at the Nutter Center one night for basketball practice and I had always  been stuck guarding the big man.   I was not a very good player as I always had problems getting the ball to even come close to touching the back board which had been embarrassing on more than one level .  The way that the gym had been set up aloud view of  the girls on the track team running laps on the plat form that had been built all the way around the gymnasium . There had been something very distracting about seeing those young muscular legs with beads of sweat running down them.   Let me tell you that it is hard to guard against  a man that out weighed   you by at least a 100 pounds and all you can think about  are the blondes running around above you in those tight little shorts .  I had been working out a lot on my upper body and had figured that I would score  a basket during a scrimmage  game between the other members of my team, I had used to shoot a
lot of hoops but that was when I had  my leg strength  to help me arch that ball up to the hoop.  I had made it around the guy that had been  blocking me and I had called for the pass in which I had dribbled the ball twice and shot the ball up so hard that my ass had left  the wheel chair seat, since the rules had been no wheelie bars to prevent the chairs from flipping over I had tipped and hit the hardwood floor hard with the back of my head.  It had hurt so badly and I had not been able to hear the voice of  my coach as he had been  looking down at me, a beautiful girl who had been  practicing volleyball on the court next to ours had even been looking down at me.   LOOKING BACK  I CAN SAY THAT IT HAD BEEN ONE OF THE MOST FRIGHTENING FEW MOMENTS OF MY LIFE AS I HAD NOT BEEN ABLE TO FEEL MY FINGERS OR TOES, I HAD THOUGHT THAT IT HAD ALL BEEN OVER AS I HAD GONE AND  BROKE  MY NECK AND WOULD  BE  A VEGETABLE UNTIL THE END.  I had been able to move in what had seemed like forever since I  last  had been able to and I had been helped up only to go over to the garbage can and puke my guts out.  After that had happened I had no longer tried  to score points and had just stuck with  assist.

  

PROBLEMS AND POPO

                                                                               #63 - -PROBLEMS AND POPO

I remember the ending months of living with Delores and  how she had began to paint me as a bad guy  to anyone that would listen to her, I had been  an  ungrateful  handi-capped son who  had blamed the world for my health problems.  She had told people  including my best friend Z that I had been  very mean to her,  she would claim that she had done everything for me  but I would still lash out at her.  She had gotten into the habit of calling out the same policemen every time that we had gotten into an argument.  This cop had always talked to her outside on the wheel chair ramp before coming in and ordering me to give my mom the respect that she deserved for even putting up with someone like me and allowing me to live in her house. I had felt like I had been viewed as a rolling punk when I had known that I had not been, Delores had been getting weird.


One such occasion  that I can recall without even trying to remember that well...

THE BREAK UP AND LOSS

#61 - THE BREAK UP AND LOSS

Dan and my mom had broken up once again in late 2000 which had sucked because I heard he had sold his house in Tennessee and transferred  his job to Ohio. I remember that  night well as I had been at the kitchen table doing some of my Psychology home work and there had been alot of yelling and screaming about what I had no idea, in Ohio when it's 11 o'clock pm it is fucking dark and on top of that we had a gang of wild raccoon's that had lived in the little patch of trees  by the house.  My mom had left Dan and a friend of his to climb up a ladder to the top of the car port to retrieve all of his belongings while giving him only so long to be off her property before she had called the cops. She had came into the kitchen and had shut off the light of the carport only to leave the kitchen light on and yell out a window to let him know how much time he had left, I had loved my mom but what she had been doing to Dan had been childish in my opinion. I had gotten out of the seat and had walked over to the door with my walker and turned the light back on and I had just made it back in the chair before my mom had stormed back into the kitchen, she had went over and turned the light back off giving me a glare before she had left the room.
I sat there until I heard one of the guys drop something heavy before I got back up and went over to the light switch turning it on and that time I did not make it back to my seat when Delores entered the Kitchen and told me to leave the light alone.  She'd turned it off for the third time and left the room, I got up and went over to the light realizing that one of those guys was going to hurt themselves bad.  That time I did not even make it away from the turned on light switch when Delores demanded that I come to her because she wanted to speak to me.  I had gotten into my wheelchair as I had been tired from all the walking that I had done that day, If I remember correctly I can write that I was really tired and I had wished to go right to bed because I had fractures the next night.  I rolled into the living room with Delores exiting her bedroom upon seeing me she waved me over to where the washer and dryer closet had been.  She bent down getting right in my face and telling me that I had no Idea what Danny had done to her then reminded me of how I was accused of stealing his pot.  I had not even smoked until a year later so I did not care what may or may not have been said about me, Instead I told her how childish she had been being that night.  If she really wanted the guy to leave then turn on the light and let him get his shit.  That is probably how I put it to her that night, her face had been very red and she was shaking with anger because she punched me in the forehead  with her right fist.  I don't even think she thought about what she had done because she immediately told me to hit her back, I could not believe what the woman had done and out of anger I called her a bitch.  She hit me in the forehead again with right hand and thankfully she was not working out at that time.  The hit did not hurt very badly but I was getting mad because she had once again ordered me to hit her back so I called her a cunt.  She hit me a little harder the third time and  as I was sitting there on my hands trying not to let the Bitch see me cry because that night my mom had died to me.  Danny came into the house from obviously hearing what had been going on and told Delores that if she hit me again he would hit her.  My half sister Samantha came down stairs from her room and yelled at Danny for going to hit her mom.  I never got along with that little bitch probably because she reminded me so much of Minnie me but instead of that it was little Minnie Delores. Delores called him out telling him to tell me what he said about my stealing weed, his son Danbo was the stealer as I pointed out the time we had been in Tennessee when he and his little friends was trying to get me to smoke some with them.  That was not important anyway to point out to Sam if her boyfriend smoked it so did Delores.   Danny shook his head rapidly probably happy to no longer be on the spot and then poor little Sam cried.  Danny left but, would come back only to drop me off on campus to live in the dorm.  Delores bothered me all the time leaving several messages on my answering machine, I would be an idiot to go back willingly.

BACK TO SCHOOL IN THE 9TH GRADE

BACK TO SCHOOL IN THE 9TH GRADE


I was told that the Doctors decided I needed to go back to school and be around others my own age right?, "I needed to interact with those".   Apparently a few of my doctors got together with who ever help made that bad idea to decide that Brandon needed to be around his friends.  I should have known it was going to be a nightmare when the short bus picked me up a few minutes later than what I was told to be there but hey I love sitting out in front of where I live in my wheel chair watching people smile as they drove by. i dont think any of those adults were laughing now but I did back then.  I finally arrived at the high school and was handed over to a long haired bald man then I learned would be accompanying me every where until I got back on the bus, let me point something out right now and say it wasnt his dream job.  Talking to the guy that first day I learned he used to be NOT SO professional wrestler that used to wear a mask, I dont want to give his name so its like the piss ass hippie avenger.  My first lesson had been when I seen a girl i used to make laugh walking down the hall, I know that  we were looking at each other when I gave her the friendly knod and the girl turned down a hallway, it was on my mind all day and unknown to me it was going to be one of those reality checks thats still hit me  today in one way or another.  The second chick I got that first day was seeing a girl i had "dated" the first day we went to Troy Oh.  I met a very cool guy on that short bus and we always talked every day on the way home about professional wrestling, after my surgery I would see it come on late at night and would soon and knowing more about the back stage part of it.  The reality checks kept coming and coming and one day my aide and i got into an argument about something I said to someone else who was not my friend, did i forget to mention the only time i got away from the guy is when taking a piss.  I couldnt talk to anyone that wanted to or say something out loud in class because this fucker would only be sentting a few desks away if that.  Back to the show, it was something so idiotic that hurts i cant remember for this post!  Remember, we had one 14 year old boy and a 30 something year old man.  I remember him leaning towards me and grabbing one of the papers i had just gotten back graded from the teacher, he arched his hand like shooting a basketball and the damn paper went into the grey garbage can.  One of my teachers had been wacthing the disruption we were creating that eventually might damage a fellow classmates learning potential, God that sounds familiar.  Both expected me to roll over and retrieve the paper from the bottom of the garbage can and that is how I found out they had three principals because the wreslter and I were sent to see one.  I really hated having to go back even though only there for four hours a day and honestly dont know how i mentally made it through but I can say that was the turning point to who I am now.  I ended up being pulled back out of school to begin home schooling when we moved over to a house in the same city.

DRIVING LESSONS

#55-  DRIVING LESSONS

Every time Delores  had taken me out and let me drive her around in the car I had always felt very nervous because she had been a no patient having woman that I could never seem to get on any good side that she might have  had.  Every time that I had made a mistake  she would have me pull over and slap me in the back of my head.   I had decided that I would never get my license.    After I had  turned 18 her new boyfriend Dan had been the one that I would ask to give me my lessons,  Dan had helped ease the nervousness by keeping Delores from giving me a hard time, he had enjoyed drinking and would always give Delores enough alcohol  to keep her from getting on my case.  I do not think that I had been that bad of a driver but the two of them had to be drunk enough to leave me the fuck alone  from the back seat.  The highway had been my favorite as there had not been all of the stop and go with the damn stop signs and lights.  I had a large wheel chair topper on the top of the car that had always  sucked as the big trucks had blown me all around and I had never enjoyed that car very much because the first 3 letters on the plates had been PMS. The license plate had not even been a vanity plate.  With the wheel chair topper it had not been hard to tell  where I had been as the top of the Grand Am had looked like it had a big U-Haul box on it,  I remembered the way I would wash and vacuum out that car often  and had even decided what items I wanted to put on that car  when I began working.  My mom had broken my heart when one day she had told me that the car would never be mine and she had her doubts that I  would ever be allowed to get my Driver's License.  Drea had gotten pipes on her car that had been so loud you could literally  hear her coming   from blocks away and she was not allowed to go through drive-thrus .  Her Beretta had been bad - assed as she had put a loud system in the car that made the seats vibrate which had sometimes felt better than the pillows  that I would hump.

IN JANUARY OF 2001 DELORES HAD DECIDED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO DONATE THE CAR THAT HAD MY CONTROLS IN IT TO CHARITY.  I HAD WANTED HER TO TAKE MY STUFF OFF OF THE CAR AND GIVE THEM TO ME AS THE MDA HAD BOUGHT THEM FOR ME.  DELORES HAD TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD NOT TAKE MY WHEEL CHAIR TOPPER OFF OF THE CAR BECAUSE IT WOULD LEAVE HOLES IN THE ROOF.  SHE HAD TOLD ME THAT I COULD BUY THE 94 GRANDAM FROM HER FOR $5000 AND  I HAD REMINDED HER THAT SHE HAD ONLY GIVEN ME $85 DOLLARS A WEEK OUT OF MY OWN DISABILITY MONEY.  SHE HAD NOT SEEN TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER ORIGINAL PLAN OF DONATING THE CAR TO CHARITY.  THAT DUMB BITCH DID NOT EVEN BUY THE CAR HERSELF AS IT HAD BEEN GIVEN TO HER BY A GROUP OF PEOPLE TO TRANSFER HER HANDICAP SON TO APPOINTMENTS.  IT HAD BEEN MY FAULT THAT I HAD NEVER WENT TO THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE IN THE AREA SO THAT I WOULD HAVE CONTROL OF THE MONEY THAT THE STATE HAD PROVIDED TO ME TO LIVE OFF OF.  I HAD NOT BEEN FEELING LIKE GOING UP AGAINST THE CONTROLLING WOMAN BECAUSE IT WOULD BE MORE STRESSFUL THAT I HAD NEEDED AT THAT POINT.      

C#54 - MY BATHROOM ADVENTURE

MY BATHROOM ADVENTURE


I had gone to BUFFALO WILD WINGS ;with Ally and my friend Z one night, I had eaten some mild wings as the two of us had sat over at the bar while Ally had done her normal routine of hanging out with some of the guys she had known there. Z and I had wished that Ally would buy us  a beer as we had both been under 21 at the time and could not order it ourselves, despite what my mom had thought Ally had not allowed us to drink that night.  When I  had came home with a broken tail bone.

I had been using my walker that night as I  normally had during my senior year of high school and both Z and I had just drank soda with our wings until we had been about to  burst.  We had both went into the bathroom to take a leak when a man  came out of the bathroom door holding a beer in each hand, (TALK ABOUT A FUCKING-DRUNK!) the man had almost plowed over me and had almost knocked me right off my feet but my friend had caught me before I had lost my balance.  The two of us had just made it into the bathroom when the  door had swung open and that time my friend had not even had a chance to try and  catch me,the corner of the door had hit me in the back in a way that had spun me around to look at the door before falling on my butt.  My friend had tried to help me up ofF the  floor as he had yelled at the person on the other side of the door.  THE TWO OF US MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE A PAIR OF BOOBS THAT HAD SEEM TO HAVE BEEN THE YOUNGEST PEOPLE THERE THAT NIGHT AND JUST IMAGINE ME FALLING WHILE I STILL HAD BEEN HOLDING ON TO MY WALKER.  I had told my friend to give me a moment as I had hurt like hell and he had not been that much bigger and definitely not taller.  AT ONE POINT HE HAD ACTUALLY TRIED TO DRAG ME AWAY FROM THE BATHROOM DOOR ON THE DIRTY  FLOOR.  I had been laying there trying to catch my breath when  the door  had once again SWUNG open as far as my prone body would allow, I had once again  lost hold of my breath as that damn door had drill me right in the lower back.  I had heard my friend yelling for the guy to wait a damn minute! Then  the little guy that he had been had stepped over me and had gone out of the bathroom door to get Ally.  Some of the dudes  with her had helped me up  and my tail bone had been killing me even when I had gotten in to Ally's truck.  I HAD NOT EVEN GOTTEN TO USE THE URINAL AND HAD BEEN HOLDING IT UNTIL WE HAD BEEN DROPPED OFF AT THE HOUSE.  Z Had told me that the guy who had almost knocked me over When he had came out of the bathroom had been the one who had knocked me down and he also had been the one who had been trying to  get into the bathroom as he had been trying to apologize for almost knocking me over. I had also been told that he had still been holding a beer in each hand. My friend and Ally had tried to figure out if the guy had spilled any of his beer while he had been trying to open the bathroom door with his shoulder, that had been  the main subject in her truck until she had dropped us off.

SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL

                         
                           #48  -  SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL

I had never liked to eat in front of the other kids all through school and when I had began at Milton High I was allowed to eat my lunch in a class room  that had been in the cafeteria.   My aide  would  take in my lunch tray so that I had not had to worry about spilling  it all over the floor.  One day a girl that had been going out with my friend David had seen me going into the classroom  and had came in, she had asked me why I had always gone into the empty classroom at lunch so I had told her.  I had really liked that girl and had remembered  how she had came over to my house with David and would lay on my bed, I had always wanted to jump on to the bed with her whenever my friend had left the room.  I am going to be honest and right that  I had still been a virgin at that time and had not quite been able to say what I would have done with her once on my bed, she had been  going out with my friend so I do not think I would have done anything as I had not anyway. She had began to come into the room often when I had gone in there to eat my aide had told the girl that she had to leave the room one day.  I remember how angry I had been at my aide who had been in her mid 20's and should have understood my mood around that girl, I had told her not to worry about the girl as she had  not  been bothering me.  I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT THE HELL I HAD SAID TO THE  AIDE THAT DAY BUT IT HAD NOT BEEN WHAT SHE HAD TOLD THE PRINCIPAL.  THE PRINCIPAL  HAD IMMEDIATELY CAME DOWN TO THE ROOM THAT I HAD BEEN IN AND ESCORTED ME TO HER OFFICE WHERE I FOUND OUT THAT I HAD THREATENED TO KILL MY AIDE.  The principal had not liked my mom or me very much  and quickly decided that I was to leave the school grounds and when my mom had gotten to the school to pick me up, she had handled it  better than  I  thought she would.  I had been very upset at my aide because I had not said anything close to what she had said and I had never been  suspended FROM school.  I had of course been grounded from watching television or playing my PLAY STATION   and before I had been allowed to return back to school I had to attend a meeting.   A few of my teachers  and the principal as well as the Guidance  Counselor   had been in a room waiting on my mom and  I  to enter.   I had not been expecting to run into anything like that meeting when I had been allowed to come back to the school.   I had been told by the principal that the teachers in the room with me had decided that I had not taken my education seriously and was robbing the other students of an education, I had then been told that they had all thought that I was better off just dropping out.   I HAD BEEN  DOING JUST ENOUGH OF MY SCHOOL WORK  TO  PULL OFF  D'S AND C'S AND I HAD NOT BEEN EXPECTING TO GET PASSED ON  TO ANOTHER GRADE LIKE THEY HAD DONE  BETWEEN 4TH  THROUGH  THE 8TH GRADE .   I did not think those idiots had any right to decide my future for me but my mom had assured me  that I  would still get my GED so, I could still attend courses at college and be able to get a job on the radio.  I told the  principal  as well as the others in the room that I was staying  in school and would graduate  on time  in 2000 and I remember the principal looking at me like I had just shit in her coffee.   I had then been told that if I  had  ever threaten  another of her staff  I would be expelled indefinitely.
 I was then told that I would be allowed to come back the next day as the school day had almost ended.  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT SOMETHING HAD BEEN UP AS I HAD NOT EVEN BEEN ALLOWED BACK THAT DAY UNTIL WELL AFTER  LUNCH TIME.

C#34 - RE- CAPPING

RE-CAPPING 

When I had been younger, I had learned to go to a happy place in my head or another place that would help to take my mind off of the pain that I had been in.  I remember

DEATH

#32 - DEATH

I had went to the hospital earlier that morning and had awoken much later that day.  Even though it was many 

years ago, I remember it well.

I had opened my eyes to see a dull white ceiling looming over me.  I had been  lying in a hospital because I had seen  the metal rails were up when I turned my head.   I had  tried to turn my head to the left and see what was in the other direction but I couldn't.  My head had ignored my brain ordering it to turn. I had tried to raise my head from the pillow but the sudden shooting pain convinced me to forget about lifting my head.  I had seen  a young nurse that was sitting in a chair flipping through a magazine, I had opened my mouth and tried to speak to her but my words were neither clear or loud.  She had heard me though and came over to my bed,  if  I had been  standing in her spot looking into my bed I  wonder what I might have seen.  I mean, my voice had  came out weak and brittle sounding.  Did I look anything like the way that I had  sounded?   I had asked her if they had been  about ready to do the surgery  and she had looked at me and laughed a second before telling me that the surgery had already been done.  I had been very surprised after she had told me that the surgery had already been done because I  had only remembered taking all of the pills the nurse had given to me.  Wow! Those had   been some powerful drugs.  The nurse told me that the doctors had not want me trying to sit up yet and that she wanted me to stay still while she went to get another nurse.  It had  had seemed like I had been laying there a long time before she came back into the room accompanied by a male nurse.  Well I did not see them, either of them, but I had  heard their voices when they entered the room.  The male nurse walked over to the bed and told me his name and then told me that  they were going to take me to my own room.

I could not see much but I could hear numerous voices coming from the doorway of the room that my bed was being rolled through.  Someone wrapped their arms around me,  it had been my mom.. She had been  choking back tears and she asked me if I had seen her mom. (Her mom had gotten sick and died when D'  had  been  a young girl..)   I had no idea why she had asked me that, my Grandma (technically, my great aunt) 2 of my sisters and some of my cousins were in the room. It was not long before my main doctor came into the room and asked me how I had been  feeling.

I later found out that I had died 3 times during the surgery,  the first had been for 3 minutes and the second time lasted for 5 minutes then the doctors immediately lost me again for another 3 minutes.  I had been  told that after that,  the  doctors had been confident that I would not be able to survive the surgery but I came back.  I had no further problems after that.

I had been dead and I did not remember anything........No white light, no voices and  no music.  Nothing had been done, I had  not experienced anything like how death experiences have been described by others.

I will say that I was totally rested and would not be able or even need to sleep for a few days.  Today as I sit here in my office and recollect my thoughts on the surgery for this blog entry, all I can remember about the operating room and the surgery itself, is not much.  I remember smelling my own blood and my doctor's voice, instructing me to wiggle my fingers. That is all I can remember.

The surgery itself had taken many hours and took place at The Children's Medical Center in Dayton, Ohio.  I was given numerous pills before the surgery. (layman's terms) Those pills allowed me to be awake during the surgery, but forget about it.  I do not know what the other pills were

LAST MEMORY OF WALKING

#31 - LAST MEMORY OF WALKING

It was early in the morning and the hospital seemed like it was almost empty. The three of us were the only ones in the waiting room and the hard plastic chairs were surprisingly cold. The only noise that was being projected came from the television that was mounted high on the wall and was broadcasting the DISNEY channel,  we did not sit there long before a nurse that was carrying a folder had came out from the back room and asked me to come to the back so that she could weigh me and get me prepped.  I was so nervous and I remember how it had felt like my ass was firmly fastened to the chair by 2 brand new strips of velcro.  My grandpa seemed to either see or sense that I was going to need help because he reached under my arm with his and helped me to stand up.  He had then grabbed my hand (The only time that I can remember him ever holding my hand., there was usually a beer in his hand.) and he walked along side me as I went with the nurse.

Once in the back room I had to remove my clothing and put a gown on.  I was a scrawny kid and I bet my skinny, white ass was hanging out and mooning every one as I walked over to the scale so that I could be weighed.    After being weighed I was lead to a room that had a bed in it and my mom and my grandpa were sitting in there and waiting for me.  When I went into the room I was told that someone would be in to start my I.V and I was asked if there was anything that I needed.  I was so hungry but they would not let me have anything to eat except for ice chips.   Someone had asked me if I wanted to play NINTENDO and I told them that I did.   A nurse came into the room pushing a cart and told me that she was going to start my I.V and then she was going to insert the catheter and at that  point I had thrown a fit. (I was not about to let anyone put anything into the tip of my PP!)   I was in a panic and the nurse re-checked her notes and seen that that the catheter was to be inserted after I had fallen asleep.   I was calmed down when she had assured me that the catheter was to be inserted when I had fallen asleep and she was able to insert the I.V needle without me making a sound.  (As long as I am able to watch the needle, shots do not bother me.)  They brought in a TV that was on a cart that also had a NINTENDO on it.  There were only 2 games, TETRIS and DICK TRACY.  TETRIS was a boring game to me at that time so I had  played the GAME.  I remember how I had been interrupted from my game by a man that had been dressed like a doctor. He came in to ask a few questions about my blood type in case something went wrong and they needed to give me some donor blood.  (My grandpa offered to give me some of his blood and I remember how my mom had looked at me and smiled because we both had known that his blood had been  high in alcohol.)  The doctor had left the room and a nurse brought me in a small cup with a few pills in it along with a cup full of water.  Not long after I had taken the pills, I had started to feel drowsy.

..................................................................................................

My last memory of walking had taken place that morning.